Including a duck attack, a psychic warning, and yes… someone claimed they were kidnapped.
Let’s be honest: not all sick days are about fevers and flus. Sometimes, it’s about your mental stability being held hostage by your group chat, your spirit being crushed by back-to-back Zoom calls, or your soul refusing to leave the bed until further notice.
And then there are the really special cases—people who treat calling in sick like an audition for a soap opera. They don’t just need a day off. They need a plot twist.
Of course, in the age of remote work, calling in “sick” has evolved. No more fake coughing into the phone. Now, it’s all about quiet vacationing—when someone “works from home” while actually gallivanting around Disneyland, enjoying mimosas at brunch, or climbing a mountain with surprisingly good Wi-Fi. Their Slack status is green. Their email is on schedule. Their conscience? Out of office.
But even quiet vacationing can’t hold a candle to these absolutely unhinged sick day excuses that have actually been used by real humans. Let’s get into it.
1. “I was kidnapped. But like… it’s fine now.”
This was the excuse. No explanation. No police report. Just: “I was kidnapped yesterday, but they let me go. I think they got bored.”
Can you imagine HR reading that email while sipping their Monday coffee? “Glad you’re okay! Circle back on that Q3 report when you’re out of… trauma?”
2. “My dog is having an emotional crisis and I need to be there for him.”
Oh, you thought you had separation anxiety? This emotional support dog needed emotional support. The employee wrote: “He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and I just knew—I couldn’t leave him today.”
Honestly? Respect. That’s parenting.
3. “I ate cat food. By accident. I think.”
Listen. We don’t know if they confused it for tuna, or if they just lost a bet. All we know is that they called in sick with gastrointestinal regret and nine lives’ worth of embarrassment.
They ended the email with “please don’t tell anyone.” So naturally, we’re telling you.
4. “My pajamas have claimed me.”
This remote worker said they couldn’t change out of their pajamas because they had “become one” with them. They described it as a “fabric-based emotional hostage situation.”
We’ve all been there. Monday’s hard. Flannel is powerful.
5. “My psychic told me it’s a bad idea to work today.”
No sore throat, no migraine—just a stern warning from the cosmos. Apparently, Mercury in retrograde plus a lunar eclipse equals no Excel spreadsheets today, Karen.
Honestly, if you can weaponize astrology to get a day off, you’re operating on a higher frequency than the rest of us.
6. “I was attacked by a duck and I’m still emotionally recovering.”
Yes. A duck. In a park. The employee wrote: “I thought it wanted bread. Turns out, it wanted blood.”
They didn’t need stitches. Just space. And possibly a restraining order against waterfowl.
7. “My grandma died. Again.”
We all know that person. The one whose grandma seems to pass away every few months like she’s stuck in a reboot cycle.
HR: “Didn’t she pass in May?”
Them: “That was on my mom’s side. This is… spiritual.”
8. “I worked all day in my dream. I’m exhausted.”
They dreamed they completed a full eight-hour workday and woke up “emotionally depleted.” They said: “I gave 110% in REM. I need PTO in reality.”
Honestly, it’s giving hustle culture but make it subconscious.
9. “I forgot it was a weekday and now it’s too late to fix it.”
They thought it was Saturday. Took a walk. Made pancakes. Binge-watched a show. It was 3:00 p.m. before they realized they had a job.
At that point? You just ride it out and try again tomorrow.
10. “I have no clean pants. This is a crisis.”
Not a cold. Not food poisoning. Just a complete breakdown of the laundry system. “I’m down to one sock and a towel cape,” they wrote. “This is not a safe environment for productivity.”
Honestly, someone give this person a washing machine and a raise.
11. “Aliens.”
No context. No follow-up. Just one word: Aliens.
That’s it. That’s the whole message. The audacity is breathtaking.
And Now, the New Classic: Quiet Vacationing
If you’ve ever:
- Sent one email at 6:01 a.m.
- Scheduled Slack messages to appear “online”
- “Forgot your camera” on a Zoom call while at a rooftop bar
…congratulations, you may be quietly vacationing.
It’s the remote worker’s ultimate power move. No formal PTO. No guilt. Just the illusion of productivity paired with actual margaritas.
Is it wrong? Maybe.
Is it brilliant? Absolutely.
The Bottom Line
We all need a day off sometimes. Whether you’re legitimately sick, spiritually broken, or emotionally bonded to your sweatpants, your time off is valid.
But if you do choose to fake it, please—make it weird. We deserve the entertainment.
Just… maybe stop killing off grandma.
